The life and times of Tom and Toby

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby

Post by theoldgit » November 2nd, 2010, 6:37 pm

kirsty wrote:i would totally agree with a book

keep them coming cant wait for the next chapter
I think the next one may be the day they ram raided the pub with my van

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The life and times of Tom and Toby [Part 3]

Post by thedogmother » November 5th, 2010, 12:38 am


AND THE PIGEON} Well, we had had enough of the boys eating and shitting in the
house, so we decided to build them a pen out in the yard. while we were concreting,
welding, sawing and what have you, the boys were locked in the bathroom [they
couldnt do any damage to anything in there. all the stuff in there is hard and
shiny-nothing edible] we were well pleased. it was like the titanic. they couldnt
break it. it was near the main drain and could be scrubbed down easily. all we had
to do was wait for the concrete to dry and put in the new kennel. perfect. While we
were doing this the boys were quiet-"perhaps they know we are doing for them"
remarked the old git. "yeah right" I said. as I said before we lived in a terraced
street, and right next door we had what they used to call a transit house (this was
before the council lost its conscience) when people with families moved from one
area to the other they would give them a transit house to live in until they found
them something more suitable. this is where the hippies lived. a really nice
family, three kids, all with flowery names like daisy, petal and flospy rose or
something like that. the dad was interested in what we were doing. we did have a
recycled nail and some reclaimed wood. they were all totally vegeterian, even the
cat. In front of the pen was one of old gits hobbys-the mk9 jag, a wonderfull thing
he found out in the sticks that had been laying there for at least 20 years. he had
done literally miles of welding on it and it was starting to look like what it was.
hes a brilliant welder, blacksmith, engineer, but a more untidy genius Ive yet to
meet. there was bits of rusty jag and little bits of welding rod and cut of bits of
metal everywhere. he sat for hours, cross legged, welding away-gas welding that is
(one night a little old lady came up to him and said "excuse me, do you mind
switching that thing off, im trying to watch coronation street and that things
upsetting my telly". "okay" he said and turned off the torch. you wont have anymore
trouble with that, and she toddled off. as soon as she'd gone he carried on. he
didnt see her anymore). the hippies were big on gardening. they had every sort of
vegertable you could think of, all growing in staight lines and all days away from
being ready to eat. they looked a picture, just like little soldiers. their garden,
as you can imagine was so much more tidier than ours. they even had room for a
linen line which had fresh clean washing hanging on it every day. we had weighed it
up. it was a way away from the dog pen so couldnt be a problem (could it?) anyway,
we had a hard days graft in hotter than hell temperatures. some of you will
remember '76. we had drought and pestulance that year. it was horrible. the old git
was working early in the morning and late at night to avoid it. Anyway, we are
knacked so as the concrete needed to dry we thought we would go in and have some
tea. we let the boys out of the bathroom and I started tea. OG went into the lounge
and the boys stayed in the kitchen in case anything fell on the deck. anthing will
do, bits of ham, hot chip knives ect. I got the tea underway. I said to the og
"just watch these dogs can you, I have to go to the loo". I went in and looked
around, thought "no damage". good I thought, "theyle be in their pen tommorow-
FREEDOM!" then I flushed the loo. what the f##ck! wheres all this water comming
from? of course I had taken my boots off and stood in what seemed like inches of
water in stocking feet. the bar###rds had chewed the plastic pipe that led from the
cistern to the pan so when you flushed it flooded the place. "whats up?" said the
old git seeing all the water comming under the door to where he was standing in
vigil of the tea. he tried to open the door. I stood there dumstruck. "open the
fu##ing door" he said. "what the hell!". there was nothing to say what they had
done, no chewed up plastic, nothing, just all this water. needless to say the boys
were back under the bed by this time. the tea was burnt beyond recognition. we
were wondering what the f##k to do. anyway, old git said "bring the torch" and,
armed with a screw driver we went outside and he removed the top hose off the jag
and fitted it to the loo. we mopped up and I went to the chippie. yes, and the boys
helped us eat it. The next day the concrete was dry. we put the house in and in
went the boys. they loved it, we couldnt take our eyes off them, they looked like
normal dogs doing normal things, not the demons they were. old git said "ill do
some more welding on the jag. theres a nice breeze, not too hot. are you going to
give me a hand? you havnt got to watch them they are okay". so im helping him, Im
holding this piece of steel in place, not daring to move and as I didnt want arc
eye I was watching the boys. Toby was laying in the sun but Tom was trying to get
this curly off cut of steel with his paw. I couldnt move so I thought as soon as
old gits finished Ill move it out of harms way. when he had done I said "hang on, I
must just do somthing". "OH" I thought-its gone. I looked around, its nowhere to be
seen. I didnt think no more about it. about 4:00pm, Mrs hippie came out and said
"oh look at them, they love their new house dont they" as she took her washing in.
"its a lovly dry out isnt it" I said. "I wish I had a linen line. you could put
another lot out today" (the wind was still getting up). "yes" she said "thats just
what im going to do". shes hung out two lines full, the green cow. We had had
enough about 6:00pm so we went in. the boys where fine and it was warm, if a little
breezy. about 9:00pm there was a tap on the front door. it was Mr. hippie. "Im
awfully sorry to trouble you" he said "but there seems to be a bit of a problem out
the back with the dogs". "yeah" said old git. Im quaking in my boots as we gingerly
walked outside. Mrs hippie was out there and all the little hippies. omg what a
mess. there was no sign of the boys. they'd gone, but every thing in the garden had
gone as well, and the nice neat garden resembled the somme. the complete washing
line was now in the dog pen, and what was on it was also in the dog pen and had
been ripped up and shat and peed on. we were going "but what, how, why" so Mr.
hippie said "hey wow, what we thought might have happened was like the winds
changed direction like, and my best shirt sleeve must have blown into reach and
they just kept pulling" "yeah, but how did they then get out to do the garden in"
old git said. "well the linen line must have got pulled tight round the bolt lock
and undone it". the hippies, as Ive already said, they were very nice. they wouldnt
take a penny for the devestation caused, but the next day they had gone to spain in
their old london taxi. the boys had that effect on people. we found the boys under
the bed and the next day I found that piece of steel again-hanging out of Toms bum.
he had eaten it, but he did pass it okay. The boys went back in the pen and they
seemed to like it for a while until they ate it. the rest of the summer went
resonably well. before I leave '76 I will tell you about the eagle-I mean the
pigeon-this was the start of another strange relationship. there was a comotion
going on out in the yard. the boys were going into one so I went and looked. I
couldnt see anything the boys were looking under the jag so I looked under the jag.
there was an ugly bird, quite big but it seemed young. I ran indoors, said to the
old git "theres a baby eagle or something trying to get into the dog pen for water"
he came out. "that aint an eagle, its a sqeaker". "oh yeah, whats a sqeaker". "a
baby pigeon" he said "aaarr" I said "lets take it indoors"-but thats another

To read part IV click here

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby

Post by Miss Yellow Wellies » November 5th, 2010, 12:55 am

I want to hear another story!!!!lol, keep em coming x x x

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby

Post by theoldgit » November 5th, 2010, 6:54 pm

the home made wine is good one........................ :lolbonk: :lolbonk:
God put dogs on this earth in the hope that man might learn from them courage and loyalty!

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby

Post by thedogmother » April 25th, 2011, 3:49 am

Just bumping this up as there is more to follow...........

If you haven't yet read part I, II and II click here

Part IV coming soon!

**Part IV is now posted*** click here to read it!

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby

Post by Noreen » April 25th, 2011, 4:17 pm

What a great story Tina .

Reason for user being banned:
Made an abusive comment about a member's disability!

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby [Part 4]

Post by thedogmother » April 26th, 2011, 11:53 pm


HOME MADE WINE---Many things have happened-the boys

are now nine and have not changed a bit. like the dog in the

dressing table mirror-tom spotted him one sunday morning

and before I could stop him he completely destroyed my

delicate glass bell collection. my womble collection that I had

on top of the telly, well that disappeared one by one and all I

found was dismembered plastic. then there was the field full of

horses that they thought they would have for dinner and

despite Tom taking a heafty kick in the gob, they were

determined to have food on the hoof. I risked life and limb that

day as the horses were not well pleased and I had to go grab

the ba***stard. Toby had come back to me when Tom got

kicked. I may have said before that it was nothing for me to

walk them 3 or 4 miles in an effort to tire them out, but they

wer'nt the ones that were tired. Now, before I had the kids I

was working with the old git but a bout of pnuemonia had put

a stop to me working with him in the winter, so I was always

looking for other things to do. I still had my sewing and my

animals and I bought and sold a few bits of jewlery but with no

kids about there was a lot of time to kill so I thought I would

make some homemade wine. I went to auctions and sales

and got all the gear (people are always selling their wine

making stuff, ha, I wounder why) I started with peach wine. it

was bubbling away in the cupboard for months when the only

thing I hadnt got, I had then got-a hydromometre- a glass tube

affair that you put into wine etc to measure the strength of

alcohol etc. anyway, I dropped it in and it sank. I refered to

the book and deduced it must be ready. At that time a friend

of long standing,Rodney, was at our home talking to the old

git and I thought I'd try it out on them two before I try it, and

then I can call the ambulance. I poured out two large glasses.

i dont know why, but they both took a sip and spat it out. "is it

that bad" I said. Rod said "Im sorry Teen Its f****ing foul" o.g

said "what ever is it, I thought it was lemonade" so no more to

do, I tipped it down the sink. We had tea and watched a bit of

telly. I said "i'll just go feed the boys". when we fed the boys it

was not an easy job. they had to be seperated as fights were

a common occurance so I used to put one food bowl in the

bath and one on the floor of the bathroom. the bath was just

enough to seperate them while they ate. then I open the back

door, Tom jumps in the bath and toby eats his which is on the

floor-simple, same way every feed time-but not on this night.

this time Tom could not get in the house, never mind the bath.

toby ran straight into the oven, and then into the bathroom and

was eating. I screamed "John, Toms ill!". his legs werent

working at all well and then he finally fell into the bath. he was

laying in the bath eating, then he picked up the bowl and

tipped it over his head. John said he's having some kind of fit,

and I had better call the vet (I have to say vets were much

more sensible then and you did not have to have a second

mortgage to call them out after midnight, and they didnt make

it their lifes work to have the nuts off everything) so we met the

vet at the surgery and we carried Tom in like a baby. he said

he had had some kind of fit. he gave him a vitamin injection.

"he's young" he said "he should get over it okay, but if hes

still like it in the morning it might be something like a brain

tumour". I said he is 9 years young, and he didnt believe it. he

said he looked so fit and young. "anyway," he said "keep him

with you and away from the other dogs and keep him quiet,

and we will see how he is in the morning", and so, we took

him home. We got him in our bed inbetween the two of us. we

watched him for ages. he fell off the bed a couple of Times but

we put him back. Toby was in the bedroom too and was

strangely quiet. he didnt give us any trouble. o.g was looking

at Tom with a tear in his eye. "surely it hasnt come to this

has it mate". I said "dont worry, hes had a good life". then I

called him. he struggled closer to me and let out THE

BIGGEST BURP RIGHT IN MY FACE. I started to laugh.

"dont laugh" o.g said, "look at me poor old dawg". I said, "you

know why Im laughing dont you? HES PISSED! PISSED AS

AN OLD MATTRESS! you know whats happened? hes had

his head down the drain! old git was thinking "so what?" so i

explained. "you know that drink" I said, "the one you spat out-

he been drinking it from the drain in the yard". old git said "oh

yeah Right, get me boots" "what are you doing now" I asked.

"i'll have to walk him out of it" he said. "make some strong

coffee for when we get back". whilst on the walk, he lifted his

leg and fell over and peed all over him self, got wrong with

another dog that he saw in a hub cap (yes, hub caps used to

be shiny, Im showing my age now arent I). when they got

back he was much better. he drank his over sugared coffee

and we all went to bed. The next morning o.g kept slamming

doors and clapping his hand. I said "what the hell are you

doing you noisy tw***t?". he said "Im getting my own back on

him. he does it to me when I have a hang over". we went back

to the vet and told him what he had done. he thought it was

hillarius but didnt find it particuarly strange coming from us. Tom was known as drain head after that and was often heared singing lil ol wine drinking me more to come watch this space

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby

Post by Miss Yellow Wellies » April 28th, 2011, 10:27 am

lol, well that made me laugh out loud!!!, very good, wish i had met both of them, cheers Tina, keep them coming x x

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby

Post by mark lamont » May 5th, 2011, 6:36 pm

another great and funny story, thanks

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Re: The life and times of Tom and Toby

Post by kirsty » May 6th, 2011, 10:25 pm

loving the story cant wait for the next :jump:

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